I've never really seen myself as a perfectionist until recently. I finally understand that my perfectionism doesn't have anything to do with the result that I have when I do something, rather it's with who I am. I demand the best from myself. I want myself to be the best that I could be. I think I am pretty demanding in my relationship with others, though, I am slowly learning to let go. I don't have any rights to demand them anything because they really don't owe me anything. I guess, I am a bit more lenient when it comes to other people, but it's really hard for me to cut myself some slack when I make a mistake. For some reason, I have this crazy idea that I need to be perfect.

Other  than myself, I think I have a very high expectation of those who are in position of authority or older than me. I mean, in my head, if you are older than me, then you should be wiser in your actions and in your words. But the thing is, maturity is not indicated by our age. Sometimes, we've got this really young man or woman who has the wisdom of a sage while at the same time we see someone who's fifty or sixty year old of age who's acting like a kid. We think just because our parents are our parents they should make no mistake, they should know better, and all the likes. Our pastor should never make mistakes, always understanding, always strong, always prayerful, always full of anointing and all of those. I don't know about you , but for me, I know that I've committed this mistakes and  I am so glad that pointed it out to me.

Well, there's the other extreme of that expectation. You become so cynical that you don't trust just about anyone. I mean,  I think it's in our nature that we always want to find someone whom we can model our life on. I mean, sure,  Jesus is the ultimate role model that we should model our lives based on His life, but I think somehow we need someone who's closer to us, someone whom we can touch physically, and we can see with our eyes too. Even Paul told Timothy  to follow him as he follows Christ. How many people dare to say the same thing that Paul said. " Follow me as I follow Christ? " Some of us are so jaded that we cannot trust anyone though our hearts actually desire to trust someone. Not being able to trust actually hurts ...
I've been on both extreme. I'd expected so much of my seniors and leaders and totally disappointed. I'd given up trusting my leaders only to find myself wanting to trust again. Troublesome, huh?

Well, I just realize that it doesn't have to be that troublesome when we take off our perfectionism and show grace to ourselves and to others. When we learn to cut ourselves and others some slack, we begin to relax. We're not that tense anymore in our relationship with others. We could see their weaknesses, their little own quirks, their annoying ( though not sinful) habits, and others. We also begin to see that they, just like us, are works in progress. We need to be patient with ourselves and with others. Bear with each other... That's the key, I think. Sometimes, they MIGHT offend you, but again, we need to forgive quickly. For me, one of the things that makes it very hard for me to forgive is this " he/she should know better.. s/he is a  ( bla bla bla ) afterall!!  Well, this kind of thought is not helping me, so I am letting it go. Kinda hard, though, since I've got this kind of mindset for a very long time. But by God's grace I will!!

I see thing as white and black. There is barely gray are in my dictionary. I wouldn't say that I have opinion for everything since there are certain things that I clearly don't really care about or have to know a bit more before forming my own opinion. Anyways, for the things that I really care about, I am quite opinionated about it. Though I might not argue with you to defend opinion or my stand, when I am convinced of something then there's nothing you can do to make me change my mind. When I don't like something or someone, then it's very hard to change my mind. I guess, it's good and bad at the same time. It's good because I am clear of my own stand.. Bad because I could judge those whose action/words are not in line with what I think, including judging myself. No wonder God named me "Grace".. I do need to show more grace to myself and others.

I've been more secure and I think, I've been able to relax more then I used to. I am not that uptight anymore and people around me has been telling me the same thing too. When I make a mistake or act in the way that I don't think is appropriate ( according to my own opinion ), I learn to forgive myself and not condemning myself. I realize that I am still learning. Though I am weak and immature, I know that God will never give up on me.  Moreover, He's the God who will continue the good work that He has started ever since I followed Him so that I'll continue to grow and change for the better. Knowing that God is perfect and I don't have to be perfect is such a relief. Knowing that God is strong and I don't have to try to be strong is also a relief. I know that God is the one who will enable me to fight my battle. When I cannot fight anymore, He'll not let me just fall on the ground and die under the enemy's attack. Rather, He's the God who come to my rescue swiftly. God is my hero.....

I don't know how many of you are like me. You might not pursue perfection in your career, job, or whatever.. but you demand perfection in your morality, in your actions, in your ministry, etc. It's all the same. Our salvation is by grace, we are justified by faith. Nothing we can do can make God to love us more or to love us less. His  love for us is perfect and unchanging. His favor upon us is by looking at the work of the Cross that Jesus has accomplished on our behalf and not on our own accomplishments.

So... here's an encouragement for you today... You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have it all together. You don't have to have everything under your control. You don't have to always be okay.  Jesus has got your back!

-gRaCe-

Some people hates silence as silence could make them realize how lonely they are... I, on the other hand, love silence. The good thing is, I have a lot of opportunity to be on my own. Maybe it's my melancholic side, but I do need silence to recharge my energy. Just like right now... there's no other sound but the clicking of my keyboard, my clock ticking, and the sound of my laptop's machine. I feel at peace, and I could feel God's presence surround me so sweetly.

Yesterday and today I woke up late and so I was late for school. Honestly, I was pretty pissed at myself because I usually can manage sleeping for very few hours. I think, I am just way too tired. My sister and her husband were here last weekend and so I was busy taking them all around Taipei for 3 days straight. Although I had a great time,  being constantly with people like that definitely drain my energy. I think, beginning of this semester, I began  to realize how precious rest is. Before, I don't know  when to rest. I like to be on the move, but I think, God wants me to learn to be more in touch with my body as this 'tent' will serve me as long as I am still living on this earth.

You might have heard how God loves you so much that He accepts you the way you are, but at the same time He loves you so much that He refuses to let you be just the way you are? I mean, even when we are still sinner, God  loves us, and He wants us to have life and have it to the full. There are many  blessings beyond our imagination that He wants to pour unto our lives, but for these good things to stay in our lives, many things need to be cut off and thrown away from our lives. Bitterness, laziness, unforgiveness, wrong attitudes, etc, they all need to go away, or in Jesus said, you cannot put new wine into an old wineskin because the wineskin will ripped off and the wine waste away.... Only a new wineskin can contain new wine...Only a heart that is healed and cleansed by the blood of Christ can contain the blessings that belong to us..

-gRaCe-

Tomorrow will be the eighth day of my  Bible school and the second week of having my new schedule in effect. I can only say that I really didn't think that I will be this tired. I guess, one can only expect this when you have 26 hours of class per week, 8 hours of work per week, about 6-10 hours of ministry per week... and of course, not to mention the time that I need to spend doing my homework for both my Bible school and my Chinese school. It's been challenging, but I love both my schooling so much.  I am blessed to have good teachers for both school this semester so going to school is actually an enjoyment rather than a drag.. So thank God for that...

I think that most helpful class that I have is "Faith and Conviction " class (信仰與信心)  taught by Pastor Jon. So far, this class has been the most challenging class in term of its relevance to me.  One of the things that he said during our class is about how we perceive God will determine our faith and as a result, our lives.  For example, some people, somehow, how this crazy idea that if it's something that they like, God will definitely take it away from them. However, if they don't like it, even hate it, then God will definitely make them do it. It sounds  weird, but the thing is, many Christians believe this, and I once was until a couple years back. So, how does this perspective of God will affect our lives? Well, when something gets really tough, hard, and difficult, you'll think that it's coming from God and that will make you unhappy. The more unhappy you are, the more you'll think that you are in living at the center of God's will. But the truth is, Jesus has come " so that you will have life and have it to the full.. " ( John 10:10). I am not saying that Jesus come to this world to make us happy because that's really not the point.  I mean, if you follow  Jesus in hope that He'll bless you then you completely miss the point of Christianity. Christianity is all about relationship. The relationship comes  way before the blessing and is way above the blessings. The relationship that we have with the Lord, our access to the Creator  of this universe is the blessing in itself, yet at the same time, it carries many other bonuses because our God is a good God and He wants to bless us with ALL THE GOOD THINGS such as success, good spouse, children, health, prosperity, etc. But we have to be clear with which come first and which comes last. And so this misconception that suffering or sadness is the will of God for us is only one of the many  misconceptions and deceptions that the enemy has  planted in our mind. Your agreement to his lies will definitely determine the way you live your life.

Another thing that Pastor Jon shared with us is about how our mind is the battlefield. Your way of thinking will affect your attitude and your mood. Once the enemy has taken hold of your mind and your emotion, then you'll be  an easy prey for him. It will only be a matter of time before you got so blinded and paralyzed that you stop walking with the Lord and stay where you are if not even go back to where you were before. This is where thanksgiving, praises and worship comes into place.. Everyday, there's always something that you can be thankful for, and this is one of the things that you can do to guard your heart and your mind from negative thoughts, feelings and emotions.  I mean, when you begin to see how much God loves you and how He pours out His blessing for you, you cannot help yourself but to be joyful in Him and be encouraged. Praises and worships brings you to His presence, it ushers you  into His presence and when God encounter you, you will realize how great and how big is our God and how small are our problems. Thanksgiving, praises and worship really put things into perspective...

To be honest, today wasn't a great day.. It wasn't exceptionally bad, but it wasn't exceptionally good either, not to mention how tired I am. But the funniest thing, though, when I was going to change my status at my wozai, I couldn't seem to find any reason not to be thankful and say that even though  I am tired, I feel a bit frustrated about my job and all of those, it's been a good day. I could choose, of course, to complain and feel negative about all of these, but this choice is not going to do me any good. In fact, I'll only get even more tired and it will only bring my mood even lower.

These past couple of weeks I've begun to feel a deeper longing to know what it meant to be truly free in Christ. I realized that a lot of my perspectives and mindsets still need to be changed. I could see that there are some emotional wounds from the past that need God's touch. I could see clearly that I still need to release forgiveness to some people.  It's frustrating.. but at the same time, we have this great hope  in Christ JEsus as we have been crucified with Christ and resurrected in His resurrection. He has overcome death and sins and so that both of them have no hold on us anymore.. I want to know how it feels to be truly free in Christ and what it means to travel light...
 
Let us  fight the good fight and finish the race.. for there is that crown righteousness awaiting for us at the end of the race! Keep on fighting!

-gRaCe-