Although I have understood the fact that age and maturity doesn't have a direct correlation, experiencing it firsthand still really gets to me, especially when the person in question is much older than me. I am not saying that I am the most mature person in the whole world, but I guess, I am trying to act in such a way that makes sense. To be considerate and understanding of others, to take responsibility over my actions and the things that have been entrusted, to not give up when things are tough, and seriously trying my best so that my emotions ( mostly anger) get to me and affect my actions. I am learning not to give excuse when I am at the wrong, and definitely not blaming others for what go wrong, when I am the one who is in charge. I think, that's a part of being a mature adult, no? 

I think God deliberately put some people around me to be that thorn in the flesh. Maybe it's so that I'll be aware of my area of weakness, to keep me humble, and to remind me of my need for Him. I am dealing with people who can really be a pain, and if I choose to be childish and selfish, then I can just throw the towel and walk away. I can definitely choose the easy way out, not caring about the consequences that will definitely not only affect me, but also my family as well as our employees. The stake is  now too big for me to play around and being reckless. 

I guess this is just process that I have to go through. Another stage of growing pain and I just have to endure it because this too will pass. 

Well, whoever you are, my readers, I just want to remind you that your life is not a series of sprint, rather is a marathon that will end when you breathe your last breath on earth. Everyone can start well, but only those who finish strong who will deemed as champions. Moreover, only those who finish the race that the Lord has set for them will receive the crown, the price. Perseverance and endurance is the only way to success in whatever you do. Discipline your flesh so that even you feel like you wanna run away from your problem, your feet are firm and you're not going anywhere.  Just because you are not there, it doesn't mean that the problem isn't there. In some cases, it'll even follow you wherever you are  though it may come in a different form. Pretending that everything is okay is not going to make it better either.  Ask God for the courage to face whatever it is that you have to face... Don't run away from your problem,  but stand firm in your faith in Christ that gives you hope!

"   Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  ( 2 Corinthians 4:16-18) 

－gRaCe-

¹ After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. ² Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda,^[a] having five porches. ³ In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. ⁴ For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had.^[b] 5 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. ⁶ When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”
⁷ The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” 
⁸ Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.” ⁹ And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked. 
And that day was the Sabbath.

( John 5:1-9, NKJV) 

Under pressure, people will show their true colors. It is when we are conflict we will get to know what we're truly made of, the strength of our characters, and the flaws or weaknesses that we have to deal with.  

The past couple of weeks have been very tough on me. I might be not exhausted physically but exhausted mentally and emotionally. In fact, I am in a  'bat-cave mode'. When there are so many things going on in and around me, I usually just need to hide myself in my own cave for a while until I figure it out.  A lot of people probably think that  I am very extrovert, but actually, being with people can drain me, even good friends. I am born a choleric melancholic , two very individualist temperament to begin with.  Well, the thing with following Jesus is that you don't have to end up the way you start. Jesus gives us the strength and the grace to chance to become the person He wants us to be. 

The past couple of weeks I began to see some fears that I need to deal with. Fear of disappointment, fear of abandonment, fear of conflict and my tendency to cut off relationship and push people away when our relationship is in conflict. There's also a very stubborn, independent  spirit inside of me. I am not saying that being independent is a bad thing, but what I am saying is that when we begin to think that we can live on our own, not needing other people's help or companion, and we convince ourselves that with or without friends we'll be able to survive. 

I don't want to get into the history of how I develop all of those fears and independence.. What's already in the past is in the past, and what's most important is my present and my future. I don't blame  anyone for what happened in the past or circumstances that has  made me the way I am right now.  Some of those things were my coping mechanism so that I can handle the pain, the loneliness, pretty much so that I can survive, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Those were my choices, and those were wrong choices as I resorted to protect myself, on my own, rather that seeking refuge and protection from the Lord. 

If you've met me personally, you'd hear me describing my time in Taiwan as the best time in my life. As much as I love the food, the people, the hanging out places, and the process of learning Mandarin there, but I love my time in Taiwan because it was in that place that I experienced God's healing. It was in that very land that I released forgiveness to many people from my  past. It was also in that land I took off the  burdens that I had carried for so many years before and laid them all before the cross of Jesus Christ. It was in Taiwan that I finally experienced and know what it means to travel light... I finally understand what it means to have a heart that soars toward God. 

Well, I guess the healing process is not done yet and I am looking forward to it. To know that there's something not right that needs to be made right inside of me is quite humbling as well. Just when you think you're done, you're okay, you find that you're really not okay and you still need God to help you out, it's humbling. But it's necessary! Being in the healing process can be painful. I mean, you'll be reminded of the things of the past, things that happened to you that you don't want. You'll also be reminded of your own wretchedness and how you contribute to your problem through your wrong choices, decisions. The inner vows that you made without you realizing it, the anger and bitterness inside of you that came up to the surface. Before God can heal us, we need to own them up and ask God for forgiveness. Then, the next stage of pain is that we'll need to release forgiveness unto others, and even ask for others' forgiveness.  Though it is hard, forgiveness is necessary for our healing. There's just no way around it. 

All this time, God has been asking you, " Do you want to be made whole? Do you want to be made well? " Most of us want the end result without the process, but this cannot be. And I think, the process is a part of how we will bring glory through the transformation of our lives.  I don't know about you, but stories of lives transformed always struck a chord in me. That gives me hope that I, too, can be changed not only to become a better person, but the person that God has in mind when He created me in Heaven.  When someone shares the process that they go through, that also gives me hope as well that the process that I'm going through at the moment will end and nothing but a temporary furnace to wash away all of the impurities and the scum from my life. When the hard process is edited from the story, the story become less real, not as appealing.. to me, anyways. Great triumph always precedes by great tribulation... 

One of the many things that I learn in my walk with God is to be flexible.  From the many things that  limit us from being used more greatly by God is the label that we're giving ourselves. I think, it is in our nature to try to define our existence, our purpose of life, our function, etc. God definitely creates us with a specific purpose in mind. The thing is, since we don't create ourselves  then the only one who knows who we truly are, our purpose, our function, would be God, Himself. Overtime our roles might change and the tasks that the Lord wants us to complete might be different. Different seasons of life will bring different tasks as well as different grace. We  need to be in sync with the Lord so that when things are changing, we know it and wouldn't miss it, but more importantly, we will adjust ourselves accordingly.  

I am in a season where everything is so new and exciting. There are many new things to be learned, and me being me, I love the challenges. Of course, I also feel fear, but  the prospect of seeing things that I've never seen before or experienced new things that I've never experienced thing really drives me to run towards it rather than from it. Of course, it's not always been easy. Even now, there are certain problems that I really don't feel like facing, but I must ! It's a part of the process, a part of the growing. I do wish for them to just vanish, disappear, and never show up, but that's not how things work. 

Open doors and new opportunities can definitely bring you to a higher ground, but at the same time, they come with challenges as well. It's like 2 sides of a coin. You cannot have one without the other.. It's one-package deal and you'd better accept that! Recently, I am faced with a new area to explore. This area is definitely not my area of expertise, and nobody around me has any knowledge about it. It's enormous and it stands tall like a giant or a mountain that I need to conquer. At first, I wasn't thinking of taking it up, but my mom encourages me to do it. Of all people, I'd think that my mom would tell me not to do it, oh well.. I guess I was wrong. But here's the thing, if things actually work out well at the end, it'd be crazy!!  Last year I wouldn't even think that I would even dare to venture into this area. But that's what God is doing.. He brings me to places where I've never been and venture where I have never explored... 

I feel the need to be even more flexible with the Lord. Not putting myself, my ministry, or my job into a box.  I need to be able to think outside of the box because really, when you follow God, there's no box to limit you. I need to flow more with the Holy Spirit, but the most important thing is to cling even harder to God and never let me go. 

What I am facing right now is sooo sooo big that it really reminds me of how small I am. It keeps me grounded because I know that I am nothing when God is not with me. I can't do anything without Him because this is so big. Even when things are going the way I like it to be, I also realize that it's really not because of me, but because of grace. Everyday I could feel that my life is hanging on that thread of prayer.   If I don't come to God, even for a day, then I am done for. I need God's wisdom to make decision, but most of all, I need God's presence to be with me 24/7 to give me my peace of mind. If I don't have God's presence with me, then maybe I'll already have  nervous breakdown by now.  

I take comfort in my relationship with God... and this is the thing that really keeps me going. To people around me, I might look like a single fighter, single-handedly handling and juggling everything.. But to me, I have God on my side, whom shall I fear? There are nights when my mind go nuts and I could hear my  heart beating faster than it's supposed to be.. My whole body is tense because of what I have in mind, but the moment I enter God's presence, i could feel all my fear melt away. There's a deep conviction inside of me that regardless of what happen or what will happen, I will be fine because God is with me. There might be a HUGE tsunami coming my way trying to rock the boat that I am in...I will have to brace for impact, but at the same time, I know that I will not let go of God, and GOD WILL NEVER EVER LET GO OF ME.... He is the anchor for my soul, and He shall lead me home =)