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Monday, 30 November 2009

  • The only thing that could change you is when you realize how much God loves you... There is no way you could love out of your own love when you don't even know how much God loves you. You love because God first loved you.. and this  love is the love that enables you to yourselves and to love others...

    Actually, I do realize that I am not much of a loving person. I've mentioned a couple times here that I am not that much of a patient person either. I thought that this was the way I am. I should live with it. If somehow, I could be a more loving person, a more patient person, then that's good.. but I've never really thought about it seriously as something that should be changed from me. I mean, hey, I am not hurting anyone right? Actually.. I think I've hurt more people than I've realized...

    I don't know what God has done to me here in Taiwan, but I think , I've gained a lot of insight about myself. I guess, you'll never seek help if you don't know that you actually have a problem. Something that I see from myself is how I walk away from people so easily. I could make friends easily, but that's also how easy I walk away from your life. One time I would hang out with you almost every single day  and all in a sudden, you never hear from me as if I've disappeared from your life. You might think that I am very very interested in you only to find that all in a sudden I keep avoiding you or keep a distance from you... Well, I was actually puzzled by myself. I didn't know why I would interact with others in such a way. At the same time, I feel like I was out of control. It was so innate and such an automatic response that when I realize, our relationship is not the same anymore and it would require so much work to go back to where we were.

    Now I realize that all of those because of my own fear and insecurity. As you get to know someone, you'll get to know their weaknesses too. I am pretty sensitive to these kinds of things... maybe because I've gone through a lot. When I see a certain trait or attitude that could very well be a potential threat, I just back away. It's sorta a defense mechanism that I've developed over time to protect myself. But I think, somehow in that process, I might have cause a lot of pain to people around me....

    Another reason would be because you actually let me down.  Without even knowing it, I have this sorta 3-strikes rule. It's not always 3 strikes, but I could only tolerate how many times you could wrong me or what kind of mistakes that I could tolerate from you. Crazy, eh? I don't know where this comes from too... When I feel that you've gone over my 'acceptable' limits, then I will walk away from your life. You'll never hear from me again or see me again. Or, maybe you may still see me, we might still talk and all of those.. but I have given you no access to my inner life, inner thoughts, or my heart. In other words, I've shut you out of my life... You could say, I don't have to think twice to cut relationships that don't give me any benefits. I see this as  minimizing the drama in my life.. but I think I might be just a little bit too hasty in taking out my knife and cut off those relationships...

    Today's morning devotional was about loving others with unconditional love. I was actually very perplexed by what Pastor Jon told us. I mean, I would think that unconditional love can only be shown by God. Only God who could do that. But Pastor Jon actually challenged us to follow after Jesus who loves us with that unconditional love and to love others with that love. I actually kinda protested against what he said at first... But then, after pondering upon the idea, I am convinced that this is actually something that God would want all of us to do. I mean, you cannot go wrong by following Jesus' example.. You know what I am saying?

    God also reminded me of the unconditional  love that He has shown me all this time.. I mean, He's been so patient to me.. He's been more than gracious to me. He has shown me mercy when I don't deserve it at all.  It wasn't just once, twice, or thrice... For all I know, it might have been millions times...Regardless, He still loves me and accepts me for who I am. Why can't I show the same grace, love and mercy to others? Who am I to judge others and to say that they are not worthy of my love when I, myself, have been show much grace and mercy?..

    So, tonight  I understand a little bit more why God said that among faith, hope and love, love is the greatest... I understand a little bit more why He says love never fails,  love covers a multitude of sins, and love drives all fears..

    I am pretty sure that loving others when you feel that other  have let you down is not easy... I think I will always find it challenging, but I know that I can do it because Christ is in me and His Holy Spirit is the One who will enable me to do this! 

    So this is my commitment... I will stop shutting people off my life, stop walking away from others... I will  show others grace, compassion, mercy, love, patience, and kindness.... regardless of anything. I scratch off the 3-strikes rules for Jesus' seventy times seven times seven times rules... 

    -gRaCe-


Monday, 23 November 2009

  • Jesus has got your back!

    I've never really seen myself as a perfectionist until recently. I finally understand that my perfectionism doesn't have anything to do with the result that I have when I do something, rather it's with who I am. I demand the best from myself. I want myself to be the best that I could be. I think I am pretty demanding in my relationship with others, though, I am slowly learning to let go. I don't have any rights to demand them anything because they really don't owe me anything. I guess, I am a bit more lenient when it comes to other people, but it's really hard for me to cut myself some slack when I make a mistake. For some reason, I have this crazy idea that I need to be perfect.

    Other  than myself, I think I have a very high expectation of those who are in position of authority or older than me. I mean, in my head, if you are older than me, then you should be wiser in your actions and in your words. But the thing is, maturity is not indicated by our age. Sometimes, we've got this really young man or woman who has the wisdom of a sage while at the same time we see someone who's fifty or sixty year old of age who's acting like a kid. We think just because our parents are our parents they should make no mistake, they should know better, and all the likes. Our pastor should never make mistakes, always understanding, always strong, always prayerful, always full of anointing and all of those. I don't know about you , but for me, I know that I've committed this mistakes and  I am so glad that pointed it out to me.

    Well, there's the other extreme of that expectation. You become so cynical that you don't trust just about anyone. I mean,  I think it's in our nature that we always want to find someone whom we can model our life on. I mean, sure,  Jesus is the ultimate role model that we should model our lives based on His life, but I think somehow we need someone who's closer to us, someone whom we can touch physically, and we can see with our eyes too. Even Paul told Timothy  to follow him as he follows Christ. How many people dare to say the same thing that Paul said. " Follow me as I follow Christ? " Some of us are so jaded that we cannot trust anyone though our hearts actually desire to trust someone. Not being able to trust actually hurts ...
    I've been on both extreme. I'd expected so much of my seniors and leaders and totally disappointed. I'd given up trusting my leaders only to find myself wanting to trust again. Troublesome, huh?

    Well, I just realize that it doesn't have to be that troublesome when we take off our perfectionism and show grace to ourselves and to others. When we learn to cut ourselves and others some slack, we begin to relax. We're not that tense anymore in our relationship with others. We could see their weaknesses, their little own quirks, their annoying ( though not sinful) habits, and others. We also begin to see that they, just like us, are works in progress. We need to be patient with ourselves and with others. Bear with each other... That's the key, I think. Sometimes, they MIGHT offend you, but again, we need to forgive quickly. For me, one of the things that makes it very hard for me to forgive is this " he/she should know better.. s/he is a  ( bla bla bla ) afterall!!  Well, this kind of thought is not helping me, so I am letting it go. Kinda hard, though, since I've got this kind of mindset for a very long time. But by God's grace I will!!

    I see thing as white and black. There is barely gray are in my dictionary. I wouldn't say that I have opinion for everything since there are certain things that I clearly don't really care about or have to know a bit more before forming my own opinion. Anyways, for the things that I really care about, I am quite opinionated about it. Though I might not argue with you to defend opinion or my stand, when I am convinced of something then there's nothing you can do to make me change my mind. When I don't like something or someone, then it's very hard to change my mind. I guess, it's good and bad at the same time. It's good because I am clear of my own stand.. Bad because I could judge those whose action/words are not in line with what I think, including judging myself. No wonder God named me "Grace".. I do need to show more grace to myself and others.

    I've been more secure and I think, I've been able to relax more then I used to. I am not that uptight anymore and people around me has been telling me the same thing too. When I make a mistake or act in the way that I don't think is appropriate ( according to my own opinion ), I learn to forgive myself and not condemning myself. I realize that I am still learning. Though I am weak and immature, I know that God will never give up on me.  Moreover, He's the God who will continue the good work that He has started ever since I followed Him so that I'll continue to grow and change for the better. Knowing that God is perfect and I don't have to be perfect is such a relief. Knowing that God is strong and I don't have to try to be strong is also a relief. I know that God is the one who will enable me to fight my battle. When I cannot fight anymore, He'll not let me just fall on the ground and die under the enemy's attack. Rather, He's the God who come to my rescue swiftly. God is my hero.....

    I don't know how many of you are like me. You might not pursue perfection in your career, job, or whatever.. but you demand perfection in your morality, in your actions, in your ministry, etc. It's all the same. Our salvation is by grace, we are justified by faith. Nothing we can do can make God to love us more or to love us less. His  love for us is perfect and unchanging. His favor upon us is by looking at the work of the Cross that Jesus has accomplished on our behalf and not on our own accomplishments.

    So... here's an encouragement for you today... You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have it all together. You don't have to have everything under your control. You don't have to always be okay.  Jesus has got your back!

    -gRaCe-



Sunday, 11 October 2009

  • Before I came to Taiwan more than a year ago,  I wrote in my prayer journal and asked for a 'supernatural ability to speak Mandarin'.  At that time I knew that I was pretty good at languages , however, Mandarin seemed to be a different game to me.  I had attended private courses for a period of time in 3 different times and none of them seemed to bring much results in my Mandarin learning. Actually, I didn't know why I would ask God of this thing called " the supernatural ability to speak Mandarin". I guess, it was a prayer that was led by the Spirit Himself.

    Faith without action is dead. Sometimes, we need something to remind us to cling onto the promises that the Lord has given us, or to continued praying for the things of our hearts. I was only here for like 3-4 months when I started to buy Chinese books. It was rather ridiculous actually since I could only read around 40-50% of what they were saying and the rest was purely guessing game. But in my heart, I have resolved that one day I will be able to read all of those books with no difficulty whatosever....

    My listening was the first to experience the miracle from the Lord. I am currently attending the young adult service in a local church called Bread of Life Church. Although they do have an Indonesian ministry, I felt called to stay in their Mandarin site. When I first started to attend the service and small group I could barely make it what they were saying. I was completely depending on the title of the sermon, the scripture the sermon was based on and trying as best as I could to understand what they were preaching. Every weekends I would feel like my head was going to explode with the overflow of information in Mandarin coming my way.. But what's funny is entering the  fourth or the fifth month of my stay in Taiwan, I could make up about 80-90% of what they were saying. Now, I could listen to any sermon without any difficulty... But of course, there's always an exception. Some speakers are more well-spoken and will use much less common words than the others, then I might have to try harder to understand what they are saying.

    About 2-3 semesters ago, I took a class called " Intermediate Chinese Readings" and this course really helped enriching my vocabularies as well as my reading speed. I knew more Chinese characters and read more quickly than before. I still thanked God that He led me to take that course. Not only that, I think that course also helped me improving my writing. These days, I could write simple essays of  600-1000 characters with no difficulties though of course,there are still grammatical mistakes here and there. But I am getting better in expressing my thoughts through written means.

    I guess, the one thing that I am still struggling is my spoken Mandarin. The hardest thing about Mandarin is the 4 different tones.  A word my sound the same, but when it's pronounced with a different tone will mean differently. There's also the difference between " zi" and " zhi" that needs to be paid attention to. Actually, attending the Bible course really improved my Mandarin.. ahahha.. I mean, how could you not improve when I have 6 hours of class, all in Mandarin? It's far from perfect though...

    I guess, you can say I am a bit ambitious. I told God that I want my Mandarin to be as good as a local. I don't know if I can eliminate my accent, but I will be satisfied enough when I am as fluent as the native and could express more complicated thoughts, could communicate effectively in many different areas, and could write with no grammatical mistakes. Hahah.. I really don't know how much time would I need to achieve this goal. Maybe 4-5 years in Taiwan will do the trick..

    Anyways, for some reasons, I have such a great faith that God will help me in my Mandarin learning. Realizing that my Mandarin sucks and is still far from perfect only motivates me to learn even harder. The greatest thing is, I know that God's blessing is upon me. Lately I've found myself started to have the confidence to buy some Christian books in Chinese. These books are not that hard, but it's definitely not that easy either.

    Tonight, as I looked at the piles of books that I have bought and I have yet to read, I realize that without even realizing it, I have given myself a reminder of the faith that I have in the Lord in my Mandarin learning. That He will give me that " supernatural ability to speak Mandarin"... Not only to speak it, but to master this language...

    Faith without action is dead.  Give yourself a physical reminder of your faith in God and the promises that He has for you. He is a God who will not back down from His words.

    -gRaCe-

Wednesday, 07 October 2009

  • Some people hates silence as silence could make them realize how lonely they are... I, on the other hand, love silence. The good thing is, I have a lot of opportunity to be on my own. Maybe it's my melancholic side, but I do need silence to recharge my energy. Just like right now... there's no other sound but the clicking of my keyboard, my clock ticking, and the sound of my laptop's machine. I feel at peace, and I could feel God's presence surround me so sweetly.

    Yesterday and today I woke up late and so I was late for school. Honestly, I was pretty pissed at myself because I usually can manage sleeping for very few hours. I think, I am just way too tired. My sister and her husband were here last weekend and so I was busy taking them all around Taipei for 3 days straight. Although I had a great time,  being constantly with people like that definitely drain my energy. I think, beginning of this semester, I began  to realize how precious rest is. Before, I don't know  when to rest. I like to be on the move, but I think, God wants me to learn to be more in touch with my body as this 'tent' will serve me as long as I am still living on this earth.

    You might have heard how God loves you so much that He accepts you the way you are, but at the same time He loves you so much that He refuses to let you be just the way you are? I mean, even when we are still sinner, God  loves us, and He wants us to have life and have it to the full. There are many  blessings beyond our imagination that He wants to pour unto our lives, but for these good things to stay in our lives, many things need to be cut off and thrown away from our lives. Bitterness, laziness, unforgiveness, wrong attitudes, etc, they all need to go away, or in Jesus said, you cannot put new wine into an old wineskin because the wineskin will ripped off and the wine waste away.... Only a new wineskin can contain new wine...Only a heart that is healed and cleansed by the blood of Christ can contain the blessings that belong to us..

    -gRaCe-

Tuesday, 06 October 2009

  • I've been very busy since the Bible school started almost a month ago. It's been a good ride, but I do feel tired almost every day. Juggling  Bible school, Chinese school, ministry, teaching English, and rest is not as easy as I thought it would be. In fact, I really felt that there are so many things are 'fighting' for my attention. I keep reminding myself that I have to be focus, or else, I'll fall behind. 

    This might be just the start of the training that God is providing me with. Most of the days, I only have 4-6 hours of sleep. Sure, I am getting use to it, but at the same time, I don't think that's what God wants for me. I am pretty sure that God wants me to have enough rest and have a good night sleep every night. It really is a matter of time management. I think I am doing an OK job so far, but it definitely can be better.. so much better.

    One thing I learn, though, sometimes you really don't have the luxury to sleep 8-10 hours per day. We might  have to survive with a 4-6 hours of sleep per day and juggling a hectic schedule on top of that. I can only imagine how my pastors could handle this and in keeping his personal life both with his family and with the Lord intact. My pastor traveled about 1-2 weeks of the month. He preaches for at least 4-5 services per week.. Not to mention if he has to lead our prayer meeting and stuff. When he's abroad for ministry, his schedule is pretty much packed from morning to late night... I don't know how he can manage that. I think that's God's grace. I think, one thing that I need to learn is, I need to learn to wind down in God's presence rather than in entertainment. I am not saying that  watching TV, playing games, etc are bad.. I am just saying, we definitely could invest  the time we spend on better things...

    Anyways, I need to go now... Time to go to bed ( and it's only 11 PM..hahaa.. ) Alright, take care you guys!

    -gRaCe-