I've never really seen myself as a perfectionist until recently. I finally understand that my perfectionism doesn't have anything to do with the result that I have when I do something, rather it's with who I am. I demand the best from myself. I want myself to be the best that I could be. I think I am pretty demanding in my relationship with others, though, I am slowly learning to let go. I don't have any rights to demand them anything because they really don't owe me anything. I guess, I am a bit more lenient when it comes to other people, but it's really hard for me to cut myself some slack when I make a mistake. For some reason, I have this crazy idea that I need to be perfect.

Other  than myself, I think I have a very high expectation of those who are in position of authority or older than me. I mean, in my head, if you are older than me, then you should be wiser in your actions and in your words. But the thing is, maturity is not indicated by our age. Sometimes, we've got this really young man or woman who has the wisdom of a sage while at the same time we see someone who's fifty or sixty year old of age who's acting like a kid. We think just because our parents are our parents they should make no mistake, they should know better, and all the likes. Our pastor should never make mistakes, always understanding, always strong, always prayerful, always full of anointing and all of those. I don't know about you , but for me, I know that I've committed this mistakes and  I am so glad that pointed it out to me.

Well, there's the other extreme of that expectation. You become so cynical that you don't trust just about anyone. I mean,  I think it's in our nature that we always want to find someone whom we can model our life on. I mean, sure,  Jesus is the ultimate role model that we should model our lives based on His life, but I think somehow we need someone who's closer to us, someone whom we can touch physically, and we can see with our eyes too. Even Paul told Timothy  to follow him as he follows Christ. How many people dare to say the same thing that Paul said. " Follow me as I follow Christ? " Some of us are so jaded that we cannot trust anyone though our hearts actually desire to trust someone. Not being able to trust actually hurts ...
I've been on both extreme. I'd expected so much of my seniors and leaders and totally disappointed. I'd given up trusting my leaders only to find myself wanting to trust again. Troublesome, huh?

Well, I just realize that it doesn't have to be that troublesome when we take off our perfectionism and show grace to ourselves and to others. When we learn to cut ourselves and others some slack, we begin to relax. We're not that tense anymore in our relationship with others. We could see their weaknesses, their little own quirks, their annoying ( though not sinful) habits, and others. We also begin to see that they, just like us, are works in progress. We need to be patient with ourselves and with others. Bear with each other... That's the key, I think. Sometimes, they MIGHT offend you, but again, we need to forgive quickly. For me, one of the things that makes it very hard for me to forgive is this " he/she should know better.. s/he is a  ( bla bla bla ) afterall!!  Well, this kind of thought is not helping me, so I am letting it go. Kinda hard, though, since I've got this kind of mindset for a very long time. But by God's grace I will!!

I see thing as white and black. There is barely gray are in my dictionary. I wouldn't say that I have opinion for everything since there are certain things that I clearly don't really care about or have to know a bit more before forming my own opinion. Anyways, for the things that I really care about, I am quite opinionated about it. Though I might not argue with you to defend opinion or my stand, when I am convinced of something then there's nothing you can do to make me change my mind. When I don't like something or someone, then it's very hard to change my mind. I guess, it's good and bad at the same time. It's good because I am clear of my own stand.. Bad because I could judge those whose action/words are not in line with what I think, including judging myself. No wonder God named me "Grace".. I do need to show more grace to myself and others.

I've been more secure and I think, I've been able to relax more then I used to. I am not that uptight anymore and people around me has been telling me the same thing too. When I make a mistake or act in the way that I don't think is appropriate ( according to my own opinion ), I learn to forgive myself and not condemning myself. I realize that I am still learning. Though I am weak and immature, I know that God will never give up on me.  Moreover, He's the God who will continue the good work that He has started ever since I followed Him so that I'll continue to grow and change for the better. Knowing that God is perfect and I don't have to be perfect is such a relief. Knowing that God is strong and I don't have to try to be strong is also a relief. I know that God is the one who will enable me to fight my battle. When I cannot fight anymore, He'll not let me just fall on the ground and die under the enemy's attack. Rather, He's the God who come to my rescue swiftly. God is my hero.....

I don't know how many of you are like me. You might not pursue perfection in your career, job, or whatever.. but you demand perfection in your morality, in your actions, in your ministry, etc. It's all the same. Our salvation is by grace, we are justified by faith. Nothing we can do can make God to love us more or to love us less. His  love for us is perfect and unchanging. His favor upon us is by looking at the work of the Cross that Jesus has accomplished on our behalf and not on our own accomplishments.

So... here's an encouragement for you today... You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have it all together. You don't have to have everything under your control. You don't have to always be okay.  Jesus has got your back!

-gRaCe-

Some people hates silence as silence could make them realize how lonely they are... I, on the other hand, love silence. The good thing is, I have a lot of opportunity to be on my own. Maybe it's my melancholic side, but I do need silence to recharge my energy. Just like right now... there's no other sound but the clicking of my keyboard, my clock ticking, and the sound of my laptop's machine. I feel at peace, and I could feel God's presence surround me so sweetly.

Yesterday and today I woke up late and so I was late for school. Honestly, I was pretty pissed at myself because I usually can manage sleeping for very few hours. I think, I am just way too tired. My sister and her husband were here last weekend and so I was busy taking them all around Taipei for 3 days straight. Although I had a great time,  being constantly with people like that definitely drain my energy. I think, beginning of this semester, I began  to realize how precious rest is. Before, I don't know  when to rest. I like to be on the move, but I think, God wants me to learn to be more in touch with my body as this 'tent' will serve me as long as I am still living on this earth.

You might have heard how God loves you so much that He accepts you the way you are, but at the same time He loves you so much that He refuses to let you be just the way you are? I mean, even when we are still sinner, God  loves us, and He wants us to have life and have it to the full. There are many  blessings beyond our imagination that He wants to pour unto our lives, but for these good things to stay in our lives, many things need to be cut off and thrown away from our lives. Bitterness, laziness, unforgiveness, wrong attitudes, etc, they all need to go away, or in Jesus said, you cannot put new wine into an old wineskin because the wineskin will ripped off and the wine waste away.... Only a new wineskin can contain new wine...Only a heart that is healed and cleansed by the blood of Christ can contain the blessings that belong to us..

-gRaCe-